Those Advice given by My Parent That Rescued Us as a First-Time Dad

"In my view I was merely just surviving for twelve months."

One-time reality TV star Ryan Libbey expected to manage the challenges of fatherhood.

But the truth rapidly became "very different" to what he pictured.

Life-threatening health problems around the birth saw his partner Louise hospitalised. Abruptly he was thrust into acting as her main carer while also looking after their newborn son Leo.

"I was doing all the nights, every nappy change… every stroll. The job of mother and father," Ryan explained.

Following eleven months he burnt out. That was when a conversation with his parent, on a park bench, that helped him see he needed help.

The simple phrases "You're not in a good place. You must get some help. What can I do to help you?" paved the way for Ryan to express himself truthfully, seek support and start recovering.

His situation is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. While society is now better used to addressing the pressure on mothers and about PND, far less attention is paid about the struggles dads encounter.

'It's not weak to seek assistance

Ryan thinks his challenges are linked to a broader failure to open up between men, who continue to hold onto harmful ideas of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just gets hit and doesn't fall time and again."

"It is not a sign of weakness to request help. I was too slow to do that fast enough," he adds.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist focusing on mental health pre and post childbirth, notes men can be reluctant to accept they're struggling.

They can think they are "not the right person to be requesting help" - especially ahead of a mother and child - but she emphasises their mental state is equally important to the household.

Ryan's conversation with his dad gave him the space to request a respite - spending a few days overseas, separate from the domestic setting, to see things clearly.

He came to see he needed to make a shift to focus on his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the practical tasks of taking care of a infant.

When he opened up to Louise, he realised he'd missed "what she longed for" -physical connection and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That realisation has transformed how Ryan views being a dad.

He's now writing Leo weekly letters about his experiences as a dad, which he wishes his son will look at as he gets older.

Ryan thinks these will help his son to better grasp the expression of feelings and understand his parenting choices.

The idea of "self-parenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen lacked stable male guidance. Despite having an "wonderful" bond with his dad, long-standing difficult experiences resulted in his father had difficulty managing and was "coming and going" of his life, affecting their connection.

Stephen says repressing emotions resulted in him make "terrible choices" when in his youth to alter how he felt, seeking comfort in substance use as a way out from the hurt.

"You find your way to substances that don't help," he notes. "They might briefly alter how you feel, but they will ultimately cause more harm."

Tips for Managing as a New Dad

• Open up to someone - when you are under pressure, confide in a trusted person, your spouse or a professional about your state of mind. Doing so may to reduce the stress and make you feel less isolated.
• Maintain your passions - continue with the activities that made you feel like yourself before the baby arrived. Examples include going for a run, meeting up with mates or playing video games.
• Don't ignore the physical stuff - eating well, getting some exercise and if you can, resting, all play a role in how your mental state is faring.
• Connect with other first-time fathers - sharing their experiences, the difficult parts, and also the good ones, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Remember that requesting help does not mean you've failed - taking care of your own well-being is the most effective way you can care for your household.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen understandably struggled to accept the passing, having not spoken to him for a long time.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "repeat the pattern" with his child and instead offer the stability and emotional guidance he lacked.

When his son starts to have a meltdown, for example, they try "shaking it out" together - expressing the frustrations in a healthy way.

Each of Ryan and Stephen state they have become more balanced, healthier men because they faced their issues, changed how they express themselves, and taught themselves to regulate themselves for their children.

"I am now more capable of… sitting with things and managing things," says Stephen.

"I put that down in a note to Leo last week," Ryan shares. "I said, at times I feel like my role is to teach and advise you what to do, but actually, it's a exchange. I'm learning an equal amount as you are in this journey."